The Interconnection of Invisible Illness

We all hold pain and uncertainty differently. We all find strength, resilience, fight our internal battle, differently. I cannot tell you how many days I looked in the mirror, with puffy, swollen, defeated eyes and tears streaming down my face and literally, out loud, spoke to my reflection. I willed myself to keep fighting. To keep fighting. One more breath. One more moment. One more day. That was my life.

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Erica Lupinacci
The Mask I Wear

I am screaming at the top of my lungs but you continue not to notice. My hands violently thrash through the water and my feet try to propel me upward. My muscles tire and I do not have much breath left to give. I can see you, but you are blind to the fact I am sinking further and further down into the abyss. “Help me,” I shout in my mind. You continue on your way while I slowly suffocate. I can see you but you do not see me. You do not see me drowning. You never could see me drowning…depression.

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One thing they don’t tell you about rare conditions is that the testing can be grueling. The doctor just wants to make sure they know what you have, so you feel confident that you know what you have. But the tests… the tests can be nothing short of torture. For one of my conditions, I spent overnight in a hospital with an IV so they could inject something and then test my blood. They did this every hour, even when I was “asleep.”

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Crawling Out of the Mud

I am still in disbelief as I look back over the last 11 or so years. I didn’t think I’d survive. Only very recently have I grown strong enough to embark on the deliberate path of wiping off the mud. I’m smiling, beyond grateful for the fortitude and support that carried me through what felt like perpetual drowning and chaos. The load weighed just beyond what I could carry on my own. I’m lucky that I didn’t have to do it alone.

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